The Revenant Composer

I am still reeling over the events that took place in Minneapolis and Portland this past week. I’d like to say I don’t know why Renee Good’s murder has hit me harder than other past atrocities committed by both regular police (e.g. George Floyd) and by federal agencies (e.g. Alligator Auschwitz), but I do; it’s shameful, but I should say it out loud: it’s because she was white.

For years, I’ve intellectually grasped the power of my white male privilege; but until this week, I never really felt it. Whenever some hateful crime was committed against someone who fell into a minority of one kind or another, I was able to feel bad about it, decry it, rail against it, from a place of relative safety. I could say whatever I wanted about it with impunity – even if what I was saying was an attempt at compassionate allyship – because I knew no government agency would be knocking down my door, or shooting into my car. Because, to look at, I’m one of them.

That safety net is now gone. Masked men can now murder anyone with impunity now. Not only impunity, but commendation. This has finally spilled into my world. And it may be too little too late, but I understand now that silent disapproval is not allyship. Agreeing with talking points only when they’re brought up is not empathy. If anything, this is a wakeup call – to me, and hopefully to many like me – to finally listen to what minorities have been telling us since the dawn of this country: if the government doesn’t like you, they can – and will – kill you.

I realize I have nothing new to add to the discourse about Renee Good; I’m not a lawyer, I’m not law enforcement; I’m not anyone with any amount of experience in these matters. I’m a regular, everyday citizen who watched the videos of her murder. I’m another voice, lost in the crowd.

But I also can’t keep quiet any longer. Keeping my head down, staying out of trouble, and watching a country once-lauded for democracy and freedom devolve into tyranny and fascism – and make no mistake, we are there – is simply no longer acceptable to me. I have no powerful rhetoric; I have no influence, or social media pull; no one has to listen to me (and indeed no one will). But my voice – lost as it may be – will not stay silent any longer.

I’m afraid. And if a straight, white male who’s never had so much as a parking ticket is afraid, that should be pretty telling. I’m scared for my life; I’m scared for my family’s life. I’m scared to go out and protest. (Protests seem to mean nothing to the MAGA party anyway.) But that fear cannot stop us from remaining true to our core values. That human life is sacred. That no one – no one – deserves to be murdered.

I’ve seen a lot of rhetoric over the past few days, across various social media platforms. It’s hard to know what to trust; most posts are simply an echo-chamber for my own opinions, which is in itself dangerous. But the opposing position – that she brought it on herself – is so sickening that it’s difficult to comprehend that there are more than a few fringe-case nut jobs who actually believe it. I don’t know if what I’m reading are agitating bots, or real people who actually share that viewpoint. I’m not going to delve into those talking points here; countless others have already argued these points, and it’s honestly to no avail. What I see happening is a continuation of a divide that has been widening steadily for decades. There are two Americas now. They are not the same country.

I see a future – not distant, perhaps in the next six to twelve months – in which Renee Good’s murder will become a fuse for at bare minimum a civil war within the United States, and at worst a global war that could end up costing the lives of millions. The closest parallel I can think of is the assassination of Franz Ferdinand instigating World War I. Because I really only see two perspectives on the matter, behind which the entire country is lining up: there are those who believe she should still be alive, and those that don’t.

I’m not going to disparage those who think she ‘got what was coming to her’. With every once of my being I vehemently disagree with this viewpoint, but it’s become clear to me that degrading the other side will never get us back to a point of civil discourse. Attacking each other, whether physically or with words, is going to divide us all the further. If they really, really want to live in a country where this kind of thing is the norm, then let them.

But it is not a country in which I want to live. Calling myself an ‘American’ at the moment is shameful to me. Believe me – there are redeeming elements to the United States. It could still be a place where people from all cultures, backgrounds, races and religions can live peacefully side-by-side. There is beauty here, in our national parks and larger-than-life landscapes. There is courage, in the native tribes who persevere to retain their culture after centuries of destruction. And there is wisdom, in our professors and teachers who work tirelessly to try and provide a better life to our children, even if they are poorly rewarded for it.

But that place cannot exist while leaders and their supporters believe that the United States is a ‘whites-only’ club. While the rich get richer and the poor get deader. The shock for me is not that the United States government is corrupt – it always has been. It’s that the corruption is being heralded as bravery. As patriotism. That it is out in the open, and openly embraced.

The future of the United States is nearly gone. I can all-too-easily imagine a world in which the states become entirely independent nations. Where Texas can keep its MAGA governor, and New York can have a socialist mayor, without controversy because, frankly, the majority of New Yorkers are happy. And if the majority of Texans are happy with their little territory, then they can live with it too.

I am dangerously close to giving up. If the MAGA party were not hell-bent on taking over countries and territories that don’t belong to them, I’d say fuck it and let Trump have his pathetic little dictatorship. There seem to be enough people that support him to populate the country he’d like to have. I don’t want to tell conservatives how to live their lives. But when that patriotic, nationalist mentality begins to harm and kill innocents, then it needs to be shut down.

Words will not do it. Protests will not do it. At this point, I doubt even elections will do it. Hitler was elected in 1933. He never gave up his power. I don’t believe Trump will either.

I honestly believe this nightmare will only end with outside intervention. After all, if we can invade Venezuela and kidnap their president, then surely someone could do the same to Trump. But until – and unless – that happens, the best I can hope for is solidarity with those who believe, as I do, that we are living in a fascist dictatorship, and safety from an administration who would rather see me dead.

This is my voice. Lost in the crowd, but still my voice.

Apologies for the break from our usual programming.